Moving On?

As I look at those photos and reflect on memories that I have gone through, one thing that made me feel honestly depressed is how no matter how much I tell myself that I have moved on, entering another chapter of my life...I have been lying to myself so much. I mean, you can always look back on those best times you have had with that close group of friends you have had, but you have to understand that they will have their own lives to live and there will always be a time they will have to go. Each of us has touched each of our lives in ways that only we individually can and it has made us the people who we are today.

We can have the best of friends when we are young, or when we are in school but the friends that hold on to you after all those years are the ones that are there for life. They will hold on to you just as how you wish you would hold on to them forever. These are the friends that no matter how the road you are going may be filled with the potholes, the bumps and the detours, they will always be there guiding you and supporting you as you go through each obstacle. They are the ones that will help you, when you find yourself unable to support yourself anymore. These friends are the ones almost impossible to find. Because to find them, you need time. And time is something we are getting less and less of, because of the fast pace life we lead now.

I am proud to say that I have found this group of very special friends and I am glad to say that I have one too that has held on to our friendship since we were just kids. These friends I have, I know they are the best I will always have, no matter how much time will pass. Even if they may change in the future, my loyalty to them will never falter. When they may face troubles, no matter of what it may be, I will stand beside them to face it. I choose my friends very strictly, maybe it might be the reason why I have so few, but yet...Those that have found me, I make sure they last forever. My promise.

Moving on is my reason I'm writing today. I am facing crisis of feeling isolated over here even when they are so many people I can make friends with over here. I do not feel myself being able to move on from where I have left from, after my last year in high school in one of the best year of my schooling years. I cannot feel myself moving on from that moment, holding on to it like a child would, to his favourite blanket or teddy bear. Tear me away from it and I will shatter like glass slammed by an unforgiving hammer. I see myself like a lost soul being sent away to be tortured, to be made a great person without choice. I am in a great place for knowledge and yet, I am not happy. Am I supposed to feel this way? Why can't be like my friend who is going away from home, even further away from where I am going to be but yet, he is excited about it? Am I honestly that stuck to home, unable to remove myself from home at all?

I am petrified, deep inside, to know that I am to live my own life outside of the shell that I have accustomed to since I was born. I am absolutely shaken by the fact I am still living out of the nest I was nurtured in. I am living well, but am I psychologically happy with it? Not really. I still honestly am ever ready to pack my bags and take the first flight back home anytime. I would rather be home, where my best and closest memories are. Though they may be packed into boxes and sealed by myself, I still would rather have them near me. The things that are keeping me stabilized right now are just one little monster, a few books that mattered alot to me and my phone. The phone is the only thing I know that gives me the reality check of where I am, what am I doing and I am still living. I use to have radio and television to help me, although I don't really watch television even when I had it, but the existence of it with sound coming out actually gives the best comfort that I have taken for granted for years.

Now the little things that has made me, are pretty missing right now in my life. I do not hear the radio, playing the random songs they put up in their playlist, the sudden advertisements and the radio DJ talking. That true feeling is something that I have missed. Now, it is just songs that you have in the laptop, whereby you have to choose the song that you have got and listen to it. Somehow or another, it will not be the same. That goes the same for television. You won't get the feeling even when you can download all the latest episodes of your favourite shows or even movies. Something is just missing, once you have watched too much using the laptop.

I tell myself that I have to move on, I tell the others when they are feeling down that high school is over so they have to move on but how is it that, it has worked wonders for the people I have adviced but not for me? I can see how my closest friends are all moving on with life, their lives all featured in their facebook profiles but how about me? I tell myself that it is time to open that next chapter, by being a hardworking individual and study well for my future. I wonder if I am doing it right. I see my friends, making new friends, going out with them for events just like what we did when we were in high school, I know they are going so well with their lives. They have adjusted themselves to their next chapters in life, with new friends and higher education but I feel stuck over here. They are enjoying new experiences, I am trying to hold on to old ones. Is there an easier way for me to feel better over here?

I can see my friends having so much fun with their new friends but what about me? Well, I am just seeing them enjoying themselves. Living like a hermit, I am just lonely here. I don't make friends easily, that I have known so well. I know it should be my choice to make friends but I have never been good in it. How am I to begin?

I wonder how I will be later in life, when probably all my friends would have already established a better path in their own life. I wonder how it will become. Will I feel left out? Will I feel unimportant?
Maybe it is true. There are those who live as lonely wolves. Howling by themselves in the night to the full moon.

I probably should stop hawking the laptop stalking my friends in their facebook profile. Matter of fact, I think I should stop checking every hour or so. Stop my insanity by forcing myself. I mean, if my friends are able to use their university work to stop themselves from being haunted by the memories of the past, I think I should be able to too. I want to go insane after this. Watch me.
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